killthepast | ic inbox

[ oh god oh god oh god ]

My ex?

yeah little miss ultimatum sob story on the anon post. sorry I kinda recognized your typing.

[And that 'broken boy or monster' line.]

it's okay if you don't wanna talk about it.

[ Kriffffffff. He doesn't mind that Roy realized it was him, but now he's... concerned. About people from his galaxy putting the pieces together. ]

We were never together. I just thought

I thought she'd seen me as something more than a creature to tame.

[ Which is really the root of so much of his anger, since the two of them gained their new memories. The way she speaks to or about him shows him that she doesn't know him at all. She wants somebody he isn't. ]

Edited 2018-04-30 19:48 (UTC)

[ He types a second text, but his fingers still as he considers whether he should really send it or not. A few times, he deletes it. Rewrites it. Then finally, after waffling enough, he hits send.

Because he wants somebody to understand why his arguments with Rey keep setting him off. ]

I've spent my entire life thinking that if I changed who I was, I could become worthy of love.

[ A pathetic thing to admit to somebody, but he finds it easier to tell Roy, somebody not of his galaxy, who knows nothing of his legacy and bloodline, than anyone else in his life.

Ben Solo hadn't been worthy of his family's love, no matter how hard he tried to reject the Darkness. He'd been sent away by his parents, and nearly slain in his bed by his uncle. Kylo Ren is unlovable, too. He'd say it's all by his own design, but that would be a lie. He wanted Snoke's love, and he tried to suppress the Light in him to get it. Instead, he had derision and contempt; in the end, his father was right. Snoke used him in a particularly base way, as bait to lure Rey to the Supremacy.

And Rey... She only wanted a vision of Ben Solo. An idea of who he used to or could be. Not the man before her. ]

I'm tired of trying.

Edited (OKAY DONE EDITING SORRY FOR THE 4000 NOTIFS) 2018-04-30 21:32 (UTC)

[That first text was sad already, Roy was already trying to work out how to say something kind and encouraging without being too over the top. He knows he has a bad habit of that, and he also knows he's been coming on strong with Kylo - what can he say though? He likes him.

And then that second text comes. Roy feels a twist in his gut while he reads it because damned if he doesn't know that feeling. Damned if he doesn't know a lot of people who know that feeling. It makes his heart ache a little to see someone else who's struggled with it, who's gone down the wrong paths looking for love.]

jesus christ, you're not a creature. you're a person.

people do bad things and it doesn't make them monsters or creatures just people who did bad things.

don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of bad things or doing them. I've spent a long time trying to become a better me. I think it'd be great if you wanted to try to become a better you. but like, there's a difference between what people do and what they are and if youre gonna do that youve gotta do it for yourself.

anyone who loves you should love what you are or what YOU want to be.

Ask the people from my universe what I am. They'll give you a very different answer. If you knew

[ If you knew, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.

If you knew, you'd see me as all the others do.

No, that isn't fair. Roy's done nothing to deserve anything but the benefit of the doubt so far. His only crime is, what, meeting Kylo after years and years of disappointment, deceit and betrayal at the hands of others? ]

People tend to be less interested in who I am than what I can do. She wanted to use me to fight in a war. My old Master used me for the same purpose.

I am a monster.

[ It's easy enough to insist on it through text, with his face hidden behind his words, than face-to-face, without the benefit of a mask. But he does look over Roy's message again and again, wondering if the meaning will sink in to his heart if he just reads it enough times. ]

You're a very kind person. [ He used to be a kind person, once, himself. ] I hope

I hope nothing takes that away from you.

yeah I don't really care what they think you are.

[It might sound flippant, but it's true. He couldn't care less what the Batfamily might say about Jason because he knows Jason himself. He couldn't care less what Kori's sister or whoever else says about her because he knows Kori himself. He couldn't care less what anyone says about Ollie because he knows Ollie himself. Roy prefers to make his own judgement calls about the people in his life - always has.]

you mean the Force?
thats super messed up. it sucks feeling like people are trying to use you like a pawn

seriously, not a monster. people aren't monsters. maybe they act like them, but again what you do isnt what you are. I can keep repeating it all day believe me I can be super annoying about it. ;)

naw. just learned a lot of hard lessons.

[ Now THAT brings a smile to his face. This is one instance where being flippant is a good thing. ]

I do. And it does. You have experience with that?

I don't think you can annoy me. You haven't yet. That puts you in a very exclusive group.

[ That's like. A Kylo Ren attempt at a flirt. ]

[Okay, that's cute.]

yeah off and on my whole life. though doesnt sound like it was on the same level as you. I'm just a tech nerd and a really good shot, the Force is something else. total next level stuff.

oh really? I seriously think that's the first time I've ever heard that. the not annoying thing. glad to hear it.
I mean eventually I'll turn into a total clinger and you'll get sick of me. promise. ;)

[A very subtle flirt back.]

I can see why. In my galaxy, your skills would be in high demand with war profiteers.

[ You know, the sort who might forcibly "recruit" people. (like the First Order, lbr)

His eyes linger over the word 'Force,' capitalized twice now, as if it merits a degree of deference-- not unusual in his own galaxy, certainly. But here, to see it from somebody who tends not to bother with every rule of grammar and punctuation... It's meaningful.

Whether Roy understands the Force or not, he understands, at least, what it means to Kylo. ]

That sounds like a challenge. We'll see who wins. [ TEASING, IN RETURN. He's half-tempted to include a-- GASP-- emoji, but they're still too awkward for him. ]

[ Annnd now he's going to follow that up with something he doesn't tend to readily volunteer to people: ]

My name is Ben. By the way.

My real name, I mean.

Ben Solo.

[ Hastily, he adds, as if he needs to explain: ]

I just wanted you to know.

so is it wrong I totally hope you win? ;)

[Oh yeah, he went there. He does hope that Kylo's right, though, that he doesn't get sick of him, that it's okay to be a clinger. It would be nice, to hang out with someone who likes his clingy tendencies instead of liking him despite them.

Then that second text comes, and for a long moment, Roy stares at it, feeling something clench in his chest. Something warm.]

Ben Solo huh? I like the sound of it.

would you rather be called that or kylo?

I think it'd be the best outcome.

[ INSERT WINK HERE.

He hesitates before answering that question, because he still doesn't quite know his preference. But...

It does feel strange to be called Kylo by somebody who's never really met Kylo Ren before. Since their first meeting, he's always been some shade of Ben Solo around Roy. ]

Ben, I think.

[ After a beat, he adds: ]

Except when we're working.

[ AND THEN, ANOTHER FOLLOWUP: ]

Do people really find you annoying?

Edited 2018-05-02 21:14 (UTC)

awww I'm blushing.

[The next text comes after a few moments.]

alright. Ben it is.

and yeah they do. most of the time

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